"Baby. Can you love me in spite of my flaws? Will you be faithful? Can I be the only one? Can this last forever?" - The standard questions that couples ask each other in the early stages of their relationships. I for one believe, that any answers to these questions are futile. Why? Because the romantic love that occurs in the beginning of every relationship clouds our minds up and convinces us into thinking that all these things can be achieved through effort. We chide ourselves into believing that we'll always feel the same for our partners and make promises we cannot fulfil. Who is to know what the future holds?
Well, I'm not saying that the answer to all these questions is no but if someone asks me, I'd say, "well baby, I love you, the way you are now. I don't know how the both of us will change and how our love will develop but I will trust that the Lord will lead us into green pastures. So, let's not make any promises unless we intend to marry. For now, I promise to be committed to you and you alone." Perhaps, I may end it off with a smile. What do you think about that folks?
Laughs* Not too romantic right? I'm more for the practical.
Anyhow, I've been rather skeptical about relationships these past few months, having witnessed the agony it has cause to some my friends. But I've decided to be open minded from now on. Being in love can't be that bad right? So, perhaps I'll give it a try. Just a thought folks.. Just a thought for now.. hah.
Another noughurt into the life of ur friend, Gwen- Yes. Today, there's actually some journaling to do.
This afternoon, I spent close to 4 hours tanning at the beach with my buddy Wiyah, whom I may be planning a trip to Bangkok together with soon. The sun was good. Enjoyed it plenty and the sky, brilliant. Sparcely a cloud in sight and it's so blue, it draws you in so intently. Love it. Could literally feel the stress and worry drain away from me. The world was beautiful for that 4 hours and that was enough. People live their whole lives of misery for moments like these and I'm truly blessed to be given these so frequently.
The other side of the story? Well, there's a trade off to spending time under the sun and allowing those harmful UV rays, sand particles and dirt get into contact with your skin. Yup.. My face.. ruined. The pimples are back, in greater number this time. Good news. I don't really care. I did what I wanted, I did what was me, I spent my time doing what I liked. That's everything to me. Who cares about these migre consequences. Haven't I already decided that God's heard my prayer and "By His Stripes I'm Healed"? Seriously, Heck it. :P
P.S. I did some shopping with my paycheck today. Bought some lovely jap style tops from Whitesands! Retail therapy rocks! Muacks to my dear Abba Father who always provides abundantly. Thank you for everything that rocked and kicked ass today. I love ya.
Prayer moment:
I pray that I'm no longer bound to my fleshy desires of good skin and be able to tell between a necessity and a luxury. God provides but that doesn't mean that we should be ignorant and assume that all that He provides is what we need. Some things are not necessary to our well being and are given to us over and above as a blessing of abundance. These things are usually temporal as they are blessings that can easily be perverted by ourselves in our desire to possess them. So, perhaps that's why God allows them to be taken away from us sometimes so that we can learn to rely on Him and Him alone and to look at these other things as plain bonuses or luxuries and we shouldn't care for anyway. I believe that when I become truly guided by the holy spirit and flowing in the goodness of God, I'll forget my desire for these things anyway and it'll be then, when most of these blessings will manifest to their fullest glory, according to the glory of the Lord. So, I pray that God will bless me with the wisdom and ability to persevere and learn to let go. In Jesus' mighty name, Amen.
P.S. Let go and Let God take over. It's the greatest glory that you can give to your heavenly Father.
On Thursday, I went to Palawan Beach on my own for a tan and on the way back i was annoyed by a toddler in a pram shouting for the door of the train to "open door.. open door.". How lame. How irritating.
Today i attended church without attending to my makeup at all. So if you can imagine this, I believe my face was all oily and everything, scars showing, pimples visible. EhhhYucks... Yikes. Can't even tell you how lousy it makes me feel. Din even wanna sit with the CG peops just now though the hilarious irony was that i was seated closer to the stage more than i ever have. With a perfect view of Pastor Prince preaching, I wondered if the reason why he seemed to be wiping his face so much just now was attributed to me. Sobs.. Are u laughing guys? Seriously, I'm not kidding when i say that it was a great blow to my self esteem. Though, i must admit; going without make up makes me feel as light as a bird. As free as a youngster once again. I pray i'll never need to use make up ever again. Yeash.. no agonising facials either. no more of these torturous labour. I desire perfect healing.
Anyway, the reason why I mentioned the noisy kid on the train was that I'm starting to believe that I'm behaving just like the child. I'm making all this noise on the blog, praying incessantly about my skin condition and feeling so upset about it just because I'm not believing that God has already heard my prayer. Perhaps it could be that I'm afraid that God hasn't already charted a direction for my healing and has been ignoring my prayers all together. Finally, it has come to light that perhaps incessant prayer is a sign of a lack of confidence in God and one's position with God. Seriously, Jesus didn't have to pray so hard for God to hear him. So, we as joint heirs to the throne of Heaven should jsut need to pray once and leave the rest to God.
Today, I commit to stop praying for my healing to manifest. It is an open truth that just a touch of God's righteousness is enough to heal even sinners, well a women in the bible was healed just by stealing a touch of Jesus' robes. And I'm bathed in the righteous and precious blood of Jesus folks. Surely, I'm on my way to being healed. Surely, I can expect the glory of God to Manifest. Surely.
So, need I allow my fears and worries to get the better of me any longer? Nah.. No more COMPLAINING TO GOD IN PRAYER. Father I commit this problem to you together with all the other worries i have in my cluttered excuse for a mind. Renew and refresh my mind, soul and body Daddy. It's meaningless to pray anymore about it. Seriously, what's the point of worrying so much about the appearance when ppl who focus too much on it onviously don't deserve my attention, and don't love me and i seriously suspect don't give a damn anyway. Only I care. But why should I any longer. I reject this vanity in Jesus' name.
Cure me father. Renew me. make me a blessing going somewhere to happen. I'm an eagle, I soar in your favour, an unmerited and unearned state of blessings which I gladly receive. In Jesus' name. Amen
I know how it's very important to cultivate inner beauty and peace and blah... Yeash.. I know it.
It's just that it seems to be much more practical to me that ppl focus their attention on developing the appearance first. Believe me, i never used to think that way - being an idealist and all but reality has shocked me out of my childish expectations of the good nature of human beings and has woken me up to the truths in life. Basically, while we put on a facade that personality and genuinity are of utmost importance we do not act as we preach. no no no ... we behave so much in the contrary, i can't believe we are contented with living with this lie. Of course i don't mean everybody, but a lot of the younger folk are as such. Feel free to prove me wrong guys.
Been almost a year since I've left JC and gone in search for a brighter tmr - a big part of which involved trying to give myself a makeover. (Appearance, cynicalism towards to human race etc.) 1 year and my efforts are proving to be mostly futile, though i must admit that by partaking of an overdose of optimism from the holy scriptures, I'm able to become more trusting and forgiving of others. Appearance wise, i don't know. Gained back all the weight that i'd lost in the first 6 months of my endeavour. back to 55kg darn it.. Feel like it high time to give up. Bloody irritating to persist with this illogical action plan of eating less and exercising more when the results are obviously not showing.
Recent clashes with Denise have proven to act only as fuel to my inbuilt cynicalism towards life. In general, I do believe in my mind, that I will never get into a relationship though I'm taught in the christian faith to believe that " with God, all things are possible." Well, some things aren't my darling. You're either married or you're not. You can't be both at the same time ain't it? So, isn't it equally possible for me to have a boyfriend as it is possible for me to remain perpetually single? If that indeed is that case, than isn't it only logical for me to presume that the status quo is what God has installed for me? I'm not in a relationship. Period. If all things are possible, that that's the greatest and easiest possiblility for me to accept. Plain, simple and uncomplicated. Can't gather enough hope and space in my heart to hope for otherwise. Just like when I pray for healing.. "BY HIS STRIPES I'm HEALED!" I declared countless of times in Jesus' name but I can surely say that my skin condition is still around. Has it gotten better? Well, with constant facials and skincare i believe it has.. well... I don't know. maybe a LITTLE?
Therein lies the problem friends. I really want to believe, I really do. In fact, I, being the intelletually deranged and pathetic excuse for a starved human microchip, am most qualified to say that inspite of the hopelessness that is so obviously underlying this entire post, that i'm capable of reciting in one continuous breathe a whole chunk of the Word of God which could possibly alleviate these negative emotions a little, well at least for the time being. But the problem is this. why is it that everytime i need something from God, all i seem to receive is just a LITTLE?
yea.. Just a little healing. Just a little improvement in my skin. Just a little more confidence in life. Just a little this and a little that. I'm looking for the abundance that has been promised father. I feel shortchanged. And how do i reconcile it?
Pathetically, through ways and means of self fulfilling prophecy, I have convinced myself that God has blessed me with the things that i've prayed to Him for. Better complexion? - Loads of Make up. Better Grades - hours of mugging. Better Health - More exercise and healthier diet.
I can't stand this kind of living anymore. As such, if God is really as almighty as He is and we're in fact freed from all forms of legality in our lives, that i declare that I'm letting go of everything as from now on. No more makeup. No more endless studying. No more trying to be good at everything. NO MORE of this pretence. 1 year of torment. that's enough..
From now on, my focus shall be on living as if nothing on Earth matters to me. The well wishing of others, the good opinion of friends, good results, a perfect boyfriend, good looks yada yada... These things have been killing me and I'm letting them go. No more trying to help God. God, help me. Help me Father. No more am I going to behave as if any of what i am is going to change the things that will happen to me. No more and I going to strive towards that things that i believe will satisfy me when nothing's truly able to satisfy me anyway. Nothing but the holiness and all encompassing presence of the Lord in me Father. I understand this now.
SAY GOODBYE TO THE OLD GWEN> :)
Love me or hate me still an obsession. Love me or hate me that ain't the question.
If you love me then thank you. If you hate me then, F**k u.
:)
Shots of sin pierce into me everytime i behold blessings from God. It is so easy to allow the blessings of God to distract myself from God himself, sometimes i desire that i'm not blessed in the first place.
Lately, I've been temping at different places - Alcatel Lucent, SGCIB. Noticed how impt looking presentable is. Tempted to be vain, well at least more than I am already (if that's even possible). I really wish to look away from myself and to Jesus but when the pressure builds up and there're more and more reasons to seek "more practical" solutions, it becomes difficult. (Understatement)
Anyway, there's no other solution that i can think of for my skin oppression except for facials and daily dosage of Jesus's healing for moi. By his stripes I am healed. Amen
My SafeTox Episode
I've been working at Chevron Place at a roadshow selling Safetox (a new and safer way to remove wrinkles). It's been ok except I've had to confront my insecurities about my looks. Always worried about how others will feel about me promoting a skincare product when my complexion is much less than perfect. Also, it's bloody annoying when customers make rude comments about the product and our promotion. One of them i approached commented, "No thanks. I don't wanna look like a moron." ok.. What does that mean. That we all look like morons? Well, thank you very much..
Anyways, I'm looking forward to watching Transformers. The good thing about working is that it occupies time and pays, regardless of how little. So, I actually got to do some shopping today after work. i bought 2 pairs of shoes, a necklace and a bag! Cool! Life's suddenly much better all of a sudden.
I hope to find another job real quick since tmr marks the end to the week long road show. Probably going to stick to promoting stuff. I know i may not look the part but at least i'm gungho enough to try. I know God will bless me with the glory and favour to see me through! Amen.
20 years old,
Student at NUS,
Not particularly brilliant but tries to be dilligent,
in love with Jesus Christ,
Single but unavailable (Wanna concentrate on my studies 1st)
Loves
Hates
Archives
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009
Links
SEATO(My online accessories stall)
En Amour
YouTube
Debs
NUS webbie
