A word of disclaimer before i begin. This post is not going to be pretty. In fact, it's going to be a clear reflection of what i feel now. :P haha
The Lord has be beckoning me to study Obadiah and Jonah, well i couldn't understand Obadiah so i went on to Jonah,- you know, the man who wanted to escape from doing God's will and ends up getting swallowed up by the fish and brought too shore? Well, does that remind you of someone? When I was much younger, i saw a vision of myself going to university and i got so complacent i didn't want to study. Of course, you know the whole story. When I finally picked up my books to mug, I realized that i was actually good at what i was doing and no matter what i did to screw up deliberately or accidentally, things always turned out the way God wants it to, not the way i wanted it to.
Jonah, was a little like me don't you think. He tried to escape from God's will, deliberately sabotaging himself. God told him to go north, but he went south. Like the vision of me being in uni should have driven me to loving my studies but it led me to arrogance. But I must assure you though, that at no point of me trying to escape God's will was I convinced that I was going to succeed. I knew that God will have his way. I just needed to try escaping it, being a rebellious child and all. It's one thing to disobey your parents, it's another to disobey God. You'll end up in the belly of a whale.
Anyway, another nugget that i got from studying Jonah was the fact that Jonah was sleeping peacefully when his vessel was on turbulent seas. (Does that remind you of someone? - Yes, Jesus did it too) And you know the difference right? Jesus was woken up and he rebuked the storms and they stopped. But Jonah, was thrown overboard at his own request. But the truth is that both Jonah and Jesus knew God and they knew that he was for them, that gave them peace that no matter will come to an end without God's intervention and God listens to his children and those who revere him. So, no matter will come to an end without first coming through them. Isn't that comforting? This means that no matter, however bad it is, will come to pass before God has given you a chance to response to it. Like in a plane crash or a cancer patient, there is always time before the final outcome and God will pass it through you, child of God, because your word will be the final say. Not the way that the circumstances look but your word. Proclaim that the plane will be safely landed because The Lord and I are one, and God listens to my prayer. I have asked it of him and we'll be safe. Proclaim, "cancer, you have no place in my body. Obey the one that created you and do his will for you will not sabotage what God has blessed. No no no. I've tried it on myself for years now. It doesn't work. You might as well give up now."
Another bit I love about Jonah is how he gives thanksgiving to God in the Belly of the Whale. I bet you that He knew that the whale was going to vomit him out. That's for sure. Because he knew that at the end of the day God will be disgraced if Jonah doesn't end up doing what God had wanted him to do. But he offered Thanksgiving anyway. Why? Because he knew that it would impress God? Nope.. As i said, you cannot impress someone who is better than you, you can only do so for the weaker party. I believe he was thanking God for being the loving God that He is, going through all the trouble and risking the life of someone he loves as much as Jonah (well, it is scary being in a belly you know, Jonah could have been scared to death if he didn't know God) for a people who have sinned against God, the people that Jonah was so hateful of and wished not to prophecize against. Surely Jonah, a man who knows God's heart was worth so much more than a whole city of sinners that God did nothing to raise. Think about it.
Jonah really knew God. Yes, like me, he was rebellious, but he loved God and he knew that God loved him too. But even fathers and sons quarrel and fight sometimes. But look at how God resolves the quarrel. Beautiful. He did not give in. No he didn't. He insisted that Jonah did what He instructed but at the end He taught Jonah something beautiful. Something even the most obedient of sons would probably not notice.
Remember the plant that God made to shield Jonah from the sun and then destroyed? God said to Jonah, "You care about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. But Ninevah has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who could not tell their right hand form their left, and many cattle as well. should I not be concerned about that great city?" Jonah was blessed. He was so so blessed. Because whereas other prophets only realized the extent of love that God had for Israel. Jonah had the direct revelation of how much God loves the gentile world long before the time of Jesus. I'm sure many Jews knew how God loves them but I'm sure that many didn't know how much God loves the others too. But Jonah knew.
How many of you know how much God loves the non-Christians nowadays. So often I have heard people mocking their stupidity for not accepting Christ and worse, avoiding building close friendships with them and having strange stereotypes of ppl who just don't seem to be too holy? Don't forget, we were once like them too. Jesus died for them as much as he died for us, WHILE WE WERE ALL STILL SINNERS. God loves sinners too!
And this leads me to my final point, which would explain why I do not feel particularly beautiful this morning. Well, I have been to many places i think, met many people, preached to some and got rejected by some others but i don't tend to judge people very often. To me, everyone's equally fickle. They can love you a day and hate you another. They can do something amazing one day and sin like the devil another. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. But the place i feel the most rejected is in church where apparently, certain people are perceived to be less worthy than the rest of us to come and receive. : O
I know what you're thinking. WHAT?!?! Church is where sinners are welcome. But no. Last week at caregroup, i invited a sweet Indian friend of mine over and he was utterly stereotyped and demeaned, of course, in his absence. Wow. A leader even asked me later. "Do you think he came because you are pretty? and a slew of suggestions that are imbued with doubts and suspicion" I was stunned so i did what any self respecting Singaporean would do - deny all compliments and then explained that he was actually very sweet. He was. He knew the Lord and that the Lord loves him and he knew that the Lord has blessed me very much in my learning of French, yes he is my classmate, and has given me favor with the lecturers and my classmates and he wanted to worship. Simple and pure. The guy has never tried to take advantage of me at all. I'm sure no one would have said anything if I was fat and ugly and old. That's why I find the whole situation ridiculous to the point of hilarity. Well, i forgive them anyway. Just brought this out for the purpose of illustrating a point below. (almost there)
Another Explosion of query! I don't understand why guys and girls can't just be friends! I still remember when i was in primary school and later in secondary school when all of us hung around together as if it doesn't matter if we're boys or girls. We just played and no one really cared. OH. Those were blessed days! I believe that it'll be a little like that in heaven. Of course we'll all be wiser that John and everything but we'll as be equals. Now, there are so many scandals and rumors every time a women likes a man or vice versa as a friend. Heresays in the wind of a budding romance. Yikes.
I really think we should all grow up. I admit that i do have many guy friends and that's that. I hang around with them because we enjoy the same things, Taekwondo, debates and discussing bible stuff. But recently, some have been drifting away because of these nasty rumors and i am feeling so unappreciated. I was complaining onto the Lord about how I'm sad because I feel rejected and taken for granted and the Lord told me that he understands because he is the one who has been most taken for granted in the world. Yes. He is the reason for all the blessings that the world has and yet most people still reject him and some even curse him.
And then I thought about Jonah. When God was having the whole episode of family disputes with him, I'm sure his heart was for the people of Ninevah. But what have they done to deserve God's attempt to rescue them? Nothing! In fact they were great sinners, just like non believers today. Yet, God's heart was for them. But can you imagine how unappreciated God was by the people of Ninevah? They were unaware of Jonah's sufferings for their sake and when they received the prophecy, they probably thought that God was a punishing God. Yet, God loved them!
Unappreciated, taken for granted. That's the everyday constant for Jesus. He is still rejected by his people, the Jews. And as he is working behind the scenes to make things work for us, very often we take him for granted too. Are u getting any of this at all? Don't think for once that anything you have now came from anyone else but Jesus. The devil doesn't bless. He steals, kills and destroys. Even the good things that the world has come from God. There's now only 2 options, you either appreciate the giver or be unappreciative and ungrateful. Of course there's the 3rd option la. Appreciate the gifts... But hey, that doesn't go very far. The lord might even have to take it away from you so that you can look him in the eye and see that he is the one you need to thank. :P So much for worshiping wisdom, health and prosperity. No. Worship Jesus.
You know what i said about how ppl get good results? About how it depends on your expertise and mastery of the topics and skills being tested?
Well, it might as well be taken as gibberish! Cause I'm the perfect example of how someone with really limited intelligence can do fine in the exams. It's not about how smart you are folks. It's about how much God loves you and He loves ya too much to let u ruin yourselves.
In Isaiah 41:14 (I love this verse), the hold spirit calls Jacob and worm and reminds Israel of how "little" she is. I believe the reason for this is to remind them that it is no longer a burden on their part to win the battle. Sometimes, we forget how helpless we are without the Lord. That's when we fall into worry thinking that there are still some things that we can achieve without Him. The Lord reminds us of what we are so that we won't have a heart filled with self effort and strive. "Worm Jacob!" He proclaims, as if to remind us that we need a miracle. And the miracle, of grace, God demands of himself not of us because what can we do? (as worms we can do nothing)
I, for one, confess only this. That I'm a helpless, meaningless miry piece of clay. If the Lord doesn't do anything to save me, what can i do? I deserve nothing and even if everything doesn't turn out the way I want, I have nothing to complain about because the plain truth is that I do deserve to fail. I'll gladly fail if it's the will of the Lord to punish me, I'll not resist any punishment.. Hmm.. I recall when i first thought like that in JC2, I began putting myself through the most ridiculously tough challenges just to be punished by God, like an Oratorical competition in front of the school, but Abba delivered me every time. I won the competition by the way. And it was strange because I wanted to be punished by Him. To find an excuse to justify me hating Him and feeling so hopeless and everything. One time I insisted on taking a nap before an economics test to prove to the teacher and to God that I am not as smart as they think I am and that they should just give up on me like I've given up on myself. My classmates had to remind me that there was a test that morning and were mugging like mad around me when I was napping head down on the bench at level 4 near the spiral staircase at SRJC (for those of you who know), in my heart, i said "this was it! finally, i wouldn't have to be so stressed by their ridiculous expectations of me. Freedom!".
Yup. I topped the class for that test too. And Alex Lam, my Econs teacher, declared to the class praises of my diligence. I was flabbergasted. I thought "What! I wanna fail also cannot ar?" hmm.. strange. As Mr Lam went on about how I'm like the white sheep amongst the black sheep, i worried for the hearts of my diligent classmates, mind you many were christians when i was a backslider then, were they going to be broken? Was God's ridiculous plan to bless me till I repent going to succeed? I refused to believe so. But I did mock God a lil, reminding Him that I was not going to turn back to him and all he was doing was making those around me jealous. Those who were his children jealous.
Apparently, God didn't care for such pessimism on my part, and all my attempts to sabotage myself came to be good. Like the time i decided to join band. Well, I joined band because i loved the music but also because i knew i was crap at it and it'll keep my ego down. Also, I know it'll make me suffer and through the suffering I will eb justified to curse at life and how God's so terribly unfair. That plan was foiled however, I had the most amazing memories in my days in band, becoming the pet of my conductor's eye.
And don't forget the time I was asked to take part in Union Camp Pageant at NUS? I was so insecure about my appearance and whether people would like me I grapped on to that opportunity thinking. Oh wow! Finally, God. I caught you there. This is one thing i'll definately screw up. And I ended up winning 3rd place with an invitation to take part in other Pageants as well.
I still refused to repent and reminded myself that God has allowed my body to remain a constant curse to me depriving me of any participation in sports since young. How can a God like that love me? So, I took up TKD deliberately, so that if i fail at it, i can finally bring my case up to God that it was not I who failed Him but He who failed me. Alas, my self sabotage attempt failed drastically. And it's failing even as I speak. All of my best friends come from TKD and I've become so healthy it amazes even me.
I must admit, for awhile I did wonder if the reason I'm doing so well is because i totally want to screw up and God is deliberately foiling my plan to screw up. :(
How strange God's love is.
I can't believe I forgot for the longest time imaginable the attitude i had when I accomplished those feats. It was never one of strive. It was looking to God for the outcome and though in my heart, I was hoping for a bad outcome, somehow, God managed to work wonders through my bochap attitude.
My attitude in exams was like. What? God? That's the best shot you've got? Come on, i can take harder questions than this? My attitude while revising? Must study hard, if not God will defeat me even without a challenge. Even if i must die, i must die a glorious death. What rubbish attitude is that. Yet, God still blessed me. Which goes to show. The good things in life doesn't come through using what you have to get what you want.
All good things in life come from the Lord. Do not for one moment think that the Devil is the cause of any good thing. No. He comes to steal kill and destroy. Just gotta be aware of the things that God is willing to give you even when you're the most ridiculous blasphemous worm in the world, on Jesus's account. You are a worm. Stop squirming and let God carry you and I challenge you to put God to the test. He'll never let you screw up even if you deliberately sabotage yourself but by revering Him enough to challenge him at your own expense (Harlow.. you are sabotaging yourself), He'll show you what it means to fly, even while you are a worm!
Yet, the will of God is to save me. And I've been saved. It's a strange feeling really. How at one moment, i'm so disgusted with life in general and the Lord smacks an incredible blessing on me and rekindles a lil bit of hope in my forlorn heart. Or how when I've given up totally, and the Lord coaxes me into trying again by clearing the path of obstacles. I feel like a pampered lil princess now. Peaceful. Not wanting anything more than just to be with this Father who is showering His love on me now. Just lovely.
Which goes to show that you don't need to have faith for a whole lotta things to be joyful (like Pastor Joshua shared some weeks back). You just need to be aware of God's relentless love for you, that there is nothing you can do to add on to it or nothing you can do to take away from it. When you let go completely, he graps hold of whatever you're facing perfectly - unhindered by any attempt to fulfill the law on your part.
I just wanna soak up this peaceful feeling. I don't care about anything anymore. That high CAP, that SEP or my health even. I just wanna rest. I wish I could just shut the world out and rest. hmm.. that'll be good won't it.
Have you heard of the Sheraton Hotels? I dunno why but i dreamed about it last night. Some strange dream about jogging by the riverside in the midst of the city area and then returning back to my beautiful darling, God given Hmmph room at Sheraton. It's not even the real Sheraton la, I assure you. Just a figment of my imagination once again.
Anyways, I've amazing news to share. It seems like i'm not so dead after all. Last night a helper was sent to me, a dear friend of mine whom I have not contacted for some weeks, wonderful at lit and philo. He like totally bashed away all my fears by giving me solid good advice on how i should study for the exams and tackle the questions la. I woke up this morning and reminisced the times I spent in JC, when there was Mrs Anne Lee. Oh.. Those were blessed days weren't they, Mrs Lee was always able to help whenever my dear friends and I are at a corner. Plus, her style of teaching is so straightforward, it directed helped us in answering the questions at the exams. Thank God for both of them.
Hey you there. You looking at me? yup you! Aren't you envious? hahaha.. I'm the luckiest girl alive and its all because God loves me. (though i shudder to think about having anymore faith whatsoever on blessings.. it's damn pressurizing first and then disappointing later la.)
People don't do well in exams because God loves them, though that could be one of the reasons. Generally, people do well because they know the subject better than everyone else. And to do that, they either study harder, seek help or are naturally gifted. I've chosen the 2nd!!!!! Cause I'm an imbecile by birth and a slovenly sloth by choice!
The church peops do get quite offended by such negative confession. I am quite happy with it actually. Just because you don't admit you are what you are and continuously say that you're sth else doesn't transform you into that something else.
The truth is that my only redeeming factor is that I refuse to give up. No matter the outcome and I'll stick to my decision no matter what. That's faith in action form man. no more talk. I'm getting to the core right now. kays. Enough warming up. Time to hit the notes. Hmm... Engine's warmed up. I better shut up and drive. (Hahaha.. I just gotta say that.)
i looked at my midterm paper and a B- stared back.
My thoughts? honestly? - screw it. It's is f*cked up la. I worked so hard for nothing.
opps. was that a little too direct for u?
Anyways, i'm humbled and bowed down. I look at the world of examinations now and its mammoth feet threatening to crush me and I lay my arms wide open and lay down on the ground. "Tis the end of mie struggle" ouioui
I'm elated. I can finally go around free as a bird, feeling the wind rush against my face and blowing my hair back in weak gentle breezes (yea rite! it's more like the typhoon that hit my face and made my hair stand into Beckham's punk; or like bridget jones as she romanticizes in her man's convertible about the beauty of courtship and bliss of riding as her hair is being blown up into a version of Madge Simpson's excuse for a hairdo.)
I give up. Surrender and worship the one who made the exams. There's no way i'm going to make it. I beg you to show mercy on me and give me a B average! PLEASE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Wasted words on a wasted course this is. Can you see me curtsying? See it in your mind's eye. Yup. Multiple curtsies! A piruet and another curtsy. Picture me in a tootoo if you like. That's me jesting with forces i'm trying to appease, knowing that there's nothing that i can do about my results. It's a done deal la. Too many forces can work against me and crush me. Need divine intervention.
God, if you're listening. I'm sorry that i've not been strong enough. I bow down and offer my sincere apologies but i'm no longer willing to sacrifice my health and my life on fighting for a gone course. I'll still go for my exams and no one's going to know the difference. And by surprise, i might even do well. but it'll all be in the name of good fun for me. Cause life, is too much. Way too much and I'm lazy. Way too lazy. :P
20 years old,
Student at NUS,
Not particularly brilliant but tries to be dilligent,
in love with Jesus Christ,
Single but unavailable (Wanna concentrate on my studies 1st)
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12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009
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